Each and everyday, It feels like I have something that is missing. The feeling of missing something is so deep that I will keep on finding ways to fulfill it, sometimes with unreasonable way. Ya, I notice that a lot of people might found it so stupid, and somemore will bring more harm than benefit. Now, after done the activities, still, the feeling of emptiness still there. Why? What makes me feel so empty? Is that something that I need to accomplish but yet I didn't? Or I had continuously flooded myself with loads of work that I can't really notice my own existence already?
Nihilism, I can kind of feeling that way now. Last time, during my school time, all of my entire life had been prefixed on accomplish the homework, understanding mind-blowing stuff, solving problem on papers, assignments etc. Things would have been more easier right now, is it? Last time, I can good confidence in my locus of control in every stuff, and all of my achievement brings me fruitful joys (actually not all). Maybe, with that locus of control, I become so disciplined, and motivated to accomplish stuff even though no one ask me to do so. and the more I accomplish, the more satisfied it did. All achievement was done alone, most of the time and I satisfied with it, cause the outcome is similar with my expectation. Now becoming an adult, everything changed. No more energetic life, motivated thought, fruitful joys. All replaced with other peoples expectation, group work that need other people though and cooperation. All of this cause me loose control of myself and ya, maybe is that, suddenly I feel so empty inside. Nihilism, that feeling of emptiness, maybe is a signal for me to move on on something.
What is that? Where should be my next step? Will I end up accomplish nothing? Will I able to accomplish anything? This attitude of mine is bullshit. I myself don't like it. Really, maybe I just need t be stoic, follow the flow of nature, and don;t defy it. I need food, love and shelter, and sense of belonging. maybe that all. Maybe I really need to properly plan my next goal. I really need to tell her that maybe, ca we just start? like start without any reason? I need not other people's thoughts or opinion. All I need is together, with someone that I feel comfortable with. Thats all. Damn it.
Thursday, May 14, 2020
Saturday, May 2, 2020
My problem with understanding the opposite
Initially, what I was interested to learn about is about democracy. Ended up I learn something additional which incidentally very useful to me, especially when doing my job here. In the carrier that I pursuing right now expose my vulnerable "me" to the outside world, which I can say a messy world that operate in orderly structured system. It is either I become a victim of the society or I have capability to impose control over it. I always keep on struggling to find the answer why I can't cope myself into the corporation as others did, and I all I get is self-destructive replies which like "don't try change things that is out of your locus of control!, look into stoicsm and keep on living!". It really true that Stoicsm, had reveal some of the painful truth to me, and all I need is to digest all of the information and have different perspective in life. Ya, I'm very lucky that I'm being born in a loving ordinary family, where need not face any hardships as others did. Stories reminded me that I much fortune that I have right now and I have no reason to complaint. Still, I feel something is not done, something within me remain incomplete here. What is that?
The more I learn about theory in philosophy, the more my thought become so messy. I learn about existentialism, nihilism, and freedom. Maybe all I can't see in the theory dept like what philosophers did, which makes me doubt more. People can always challenge my thought, which I fear the most. Maybe people did not challenge my thought, it is me myself that did so. I don't like the feeling of uncertainty, no matter whether it is related to my working life or my personal life. Uncertainty kills my confidence, stopping my progress. At the same time, uncertainty keeps my curiosity going. Haiz. Damn it.
Maybe it is more rational to leave everything vague behind and treat all I have learned as an entertainment. Ya, why give a fuck on those meaning of life at first place as you are not one who choose to born into this place?(my mother will definitely feel very sad if she heard that.) No matter what the world trying to tell me about what I'm going do with my life, I should just let it be. Somehow I saw a quote from my colleague:" Have faith and go with the flow". Go with the flow, and don't question too much.
Sunday, April 26, 2020
2 months of prison-like life during MCO
Definition is always the part that I less concerned about when I was a stupid middle school teenager. Maybe I'm too naive that time, thinking that as long as I know the way how something works technically, then I can solve it, and I always have answer. That's why mathematics always my best subject as it's all about technical stuff and less theories to be memorized. Hmm...
Maybe I'm now less stupid than I was before, realizing the importance of definitions, no matter what it is. Definitions tells us stories, histories and even shape the foundations of everything that we perceived, about the past, about the present and predict the future. If you ask me to define "me", maybe I can't have an definite answer. I don't know who to blame to not able to have an answer. Is the neuroplasticity of my brain? Or the existentialism due to the democratic society that I live in? Or the ignorance of myself and the reality as I always been living in the "virtual reality" created by my family and my school environment?
It always a norm that when I not able to answer a question, especially when it really matters, then the motivation to find the answer kicks in. If I can't have an answer, sometime I will also come out an answer "why I don't" have an answer. Well, maybe that is only me have this stupid mind that wonder on those "commercially non-valuable" stuffs. These few days, I learned that we will always encountered antidote, no matter where we are. This situation cause dialectic measures to kicks in and will end up a relatively correct answer, at least to ourselves. This relativism caused better "shits" than cure to me as a simple things can be so complicated due to this concept. Maybe it is me that not understand the relativism deep enough, which somehow makes me wanted to know more about it. Then time passed, what shits that I have accomplished? NOTHING!
Then you might ask how does above stuffs can relates to the prison-alike life? Above are the things that comes into my realization during the 2 months of "prison". I might sound so exaggerate to describe my life as prison alike. Let us see what is the definition of prison:
"A prison, also known as a correctional facility, jail, gaol, penitentiary, detention center, correctional center, or remand center, is a facility in which inmates are forcibly confined and denied a variety of freedoms under the authority of the state." - Wikipedia
Actually the whole thing I wanted to emphasize here is the phrase of "inmates are forcibly confined and denied a variety of freedoms under the authority of the state.". Basically, the situation right now was more or less like this currently. This might seems so selfish to you all. No matter what it is, it truly depressing for me. Imagine that you want to speak to someone, but somehow you don't know who you can speak to as you rarely speak to anyone. Then all you know is talk to the wall, and listen to the echo the wall produce. You want to go out for hiking, in the halfway the police guy on duty ask you what you wanted to do and ask you to go back to your house forcibly. You want to have haircut, but shops closed (it open already in the middle of the month, somehow afraid of stupid mutated-bat-influenza virus, so letting my hair grows for 2 month). The most important thing is my messy mind. I don't like my mind because in the silent moment, it will pop out the though that I don't want to know and feel. It is horrible thoughts that will destroy me. Only sports can help me through this shit-alike though and MCO had taken it from me. Ta Ma De.
There is one thing about human nature that we cannot deny, which is we all live in 2 realities, objective reality and subjective reality. What make me so stressful is that my subjective reality is kind of destructive in nature, and bring no commercial value to the society. The worst part is that I clearly know what are circumstances that cause my subjective reality a mess, and yet, I can hardly take action due to the lack of motivation instead of capability. Maybe motivation itself should be a subset of capability instead of seeing it as two separate sets of category. Then, I somehow discover this during the MCO period:
This Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs had came to my knowledge ever since my Matriculation time. Last time, maybe I was kind of stupid and never appreciate this stupid colorful triangular diagram, now I feel stupid for being not appreciate this wonderful pyramid last time. One insight that I get it is that I am being stagnant at the middle of the pyramid. Then, I recalled one Chinese saying goes "Xian Cheng Jia, Hou Li Ye". Then this drives me nuts. I cannot change myself is because I lack of "belongingness and love"? I had become such a weirdo because of this? If this is the answer, then I have a really important task to do. I need to start my journey to find the "her". I need to find someone that can accept all my weakness. Or maybe I can be the one who accept the weakness of others. Somehow, self-doubt kick in when I try whenever I try to complete a task. Is intimate relationship or love just another "dimension" that I never been stepped into yet? Or I had experienced it before without knowing it? When it became so uncertain to me, I started to ask around, especially with experience, no matter how stupid the questions might looked like. One of the best answer that I get is this:
"It is not the person is irreplaceable in a relationship, it is the memory irreplaceable. The memories you created with her, especially the emotional one, makes you cling to it and make her become irreplaceable because both of you share the same memories.Without her, the memories remains incomplete."
Now, things become clear that to feel sense of belongings, I need to find someone that willing to accept me, and willing to create memories with me, together. Sounds romantic right? For me, finding someone that I could be vulnerable to, is hard. Especially when you clearly know that you are financially and emotionally instable, together with the "emotional baggage" that you bring together along the way until today, and now you want someone to accept the things that even you yourself hardly to accept it, it is like "set fire in the rain". The possibility is just unacceptably low.
Throughout my own experience, especially during my working life, somehow I have unintentionally developed some sort of feeling of admiring someone. Maybe is just me, like you know when you have high level of testosterone and somehow you can hardly have a close relationship with opposite gender simply because you are weirdo. This is just crazy. The craziest part is that the feeling can be changed from time to time! This makes me feel so guilty because I should not have this kind of "switch-able" feelings towards multiple person, especially towards the person that I decide to have serious relationship with. Due to confusion, I try to find an answer to justify this feeling that I have and somehow I found this triangle:
Actually, all feeling that I have all these while is actually infatuation! Ta Ma De. I'm such a stupid to be confused by the difference between romantic love and infatuation. Now I know what are the ingredient of love, when shall I take action? Will I brave enough? Time will tell.
It turns out that during the prison-like months of life, I understood myself better. Maybe it is the time that forced upon to me to self-reflect on what is going on inside of me. Actually at first, the prison-alike life during the Movement control order doesn't seems that bad at first.
Hmm.. maybe there's sign for me for the extension of MCO and hope this time I can find out more interesting stuff !
Maybe I'm now less stupid than I was before, realizing the importance of definitions, no matter what it is. Definitions tells us stories, histories and even shape the foundations of everything that we perceived, about the past, about the present and predict the future. If you ask me to define "me", maybe I can't have an definite answer. I don't know who to blame to not able to have an answer. Is the neuroplasticity of my brain? Or the existentialism due to the democratic society that I live in? Or the ignorance of myself and the reality as I always been living in the "virtual reality" created by my family and my school environment?
It always a norm that when I not able to answer a question, especially when it really matters, then the motivation to find the answer kicks in. If I can't have an answer, sometime I will also come out an answer "why I don't" have an answer. Well, maybe that is only me have this stupid mind that wonder on those "commercially non-valuable" stuffs. These few days, I learned that we will always encountered antidote, no matter where we are. This situation cause dialectic measures to kicks in and will end up a relatively correct answer, at least to ourselves. This relativism caused better "shits" than cure to me as a simple things can be so complicated due to this concept. Maybe it is me that not understand the relativism deep enough, which somehow makes me wanted to know more about it. Then time passed, what shits that I have accomplished? NOTHING!
Then you might ask how does above stuffs can relates to the prison-alike life? Above are the things that comes into my realization during the 2 months of "prison". I might sound so exaggerate to describe my life as prison alike. Let us see what is the definition of prison:
"A prison, also known as a correctional facility, jail, gaol, penitentiary, detention center, correctional center, or remand center, is a facility in which inmates are forcibly confined and denied a variety of freedoms under the authority of the state." - Wikipedia
Actually the whole thing I wanted to emphasize here is the phrase of "inmates are forcibly confined and denied a variety of freedoms under the authority of the state.". Basically, the situation right now was more or less like this currently. This might seems so selfish to you all. No matter what it is, it truly depressing for me. Imagine that you want to speak to someone, but somehow you don't know who you can speak to as you rarely speak to anyone. Then all you know is talk to the wall, and listen to the echo the wall produce. You want to go out for hiking, in the halfway the police guy on duty ask you what you wanted to do and ask you to go back to your house forcibly. You want to have haircut, but shops closed (it open already in the middle of the month, somehow afraid of stupid mutated-bat-influenza virus, so letting my hair grows for 2 month). The most important thing is my messy mind. I don't like my mind because in the silent moment, it will pop out the though that I don't want to know and feel. It is horrible thoughts that will destroy me. Only sports can help me through this shit-alike though and MCO had taken it from me. Ta Ma De.
There is one thing about human nature that we cannot deny, which is we all live in 2 realities, objective reality and subjective reality. What make me so stressful is that my subjective reality is kind of destructive in nature, and bring no commercial value to the society. The worst part is that I clearly know what are circumstances that cause my subjective reality a mess, and yet, I can hardly take action due to the lack of motivation instead of capability. Maybe motivation itself should be a subset of capability instead of seeing it as two separate sets of category. Then, I somehow discover this during the MCO period:
This Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs had came to my knowledge ever since my Matriculation time. Last time, maybe I was kind of stupid and never appreciate this stupid colorful triangular diagram, now I feel stupid for being not appreciate this wonderful pyramid last time. One insight that I get it is that I am being stagnant at the middle of the pyramid. Then, I recalled one Chinese saying goes "Xian Cheng Jia, Hou Li Ye". Then this drives me nuts. I cannot change myself is because I lack of "belongingness and love"? I had become such a weirdo because of this? If this is the answer, then I have a really important task to do. I need to start my journey to find the "her". I need to find someone that can accept all my weakness. Or maybe I can be the one who accept the weakness of others. Somehow, self-doubt kick in when I try whenever I try to complete a task. Is intimate relationship or love just another "dimension" that I never been stepped into yet? Or I had experienced it before without knowing it? When it became so uncertain to me, I started to ask around, especially with experience, no matter how stupid the questions might looked like. One of the best answer that I get is this:
"It is not the person is irreplaceable in a relationship, it is the memory irreplaceable. The memories you created with her, especially the emotional one, makes you cling to it and make her become irreplaceable because both of you share the same memories.Without her, the memories remains incomplete."
Now, things become clear that to feel sense of belongings, I need to find someone that willing to accept me, and willing to create memories with me, together. Sounds romantic right? For me, finding someone that I could be vulnerable to, is hard. Especially when you clearly know that you are financially and emotionally instable, together with the "emotional baggage" that you bring together along the way until today, and now you want someone to accept the things that even you yourself hardly to accept it, it is like "set fire in the rain". The possibility is just unacceptably low.
Throughout my own experience, especially during my working life, somehow I have unintentionally developed some sort of feeling of admiring someone. Maybe is just me, like you know when you have high level of testosterone and somehow you can hardly have a close relationship with opposite gender simply because you are weirdo. This is just crazy. The craziest part is that the feeling can be changed from time to time! This makes me feel so guilty because I should not have this kind of "switch-able" feelings towards multiple person, especially towards the person that I decide to have serious relationship with. Due to confusion, I try to find an answer to justify this feeling that I have and somehow I found this triangle:
Actually, all feeling that I have all these while is actually infatuation! Ta Ma De. I'm such a stupid to be confused by the difference between romantic love and infatuation. Now I know what are the ingredient of love, when shall I take action? Will I brave enough? Time will tell.
It turns out that during the prison-like months of life, I understood myself better. Maybe it is the time that forced upon to me to self-reflect on what is going on inside of me. Actually at first, the prison-alike life during the Movement control order doesn't seems that bad at first.
Hmm.. maybe there's sign for me for the extension of MCO and hope this time I can find out more interesting stuff !
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