Each and everyday, It feels like I have something that is missing. The feeling of missing something is so deep that I will keep on finding ways to fulfill it, sometimes with unreasonable way. Ya, I notice that a lot of people might found it so stupid, and somemore will bring more harm than benefit. Now, after done the activities, still, the feeling of emptiness still there. Why? What makes me feel so empty? Is that something that I need to accomplish but yet I didn't? Or I had continuously flooded myself with loads of work that I can't really notice my own existence already?
Nihilism, I can kind of feeling that way now. Last time, during my school time, all of my entire life had been prefixed on accomplish the homework, understanding mind-blowing stuff, solving problem on papers, assignments etc. Things would have been more easier right now, is it? Last time, I can good confidence in my locus of control in every stuff, and all of my achievement brings me fruitful joys (actually not all). Maybe, with that locus of control, I become so disciplined, and motivated to accomplish stuff even though no one ask me to do so. and the more I accomplish, the more satisfied it did. All achievement was done alone, most of the time and I satisfied with it, cause the outcome is similar with my expectation. Now becoming an adult, everything changed. No more energetic life, motivated thought, fruitful joys. All replaced with other peoples expectation, group work that need other people though and cooperation. All of this cause me loose control of myself and ya, maybe is that, suddenly I feel so empty inside. Nihilism, that feeling of emptiness, maybe is a signal for me to move on on something.
What is that? Where should be my next step? Will I end up accomplish nothing? Will I able to accomplish anything? This attitude of mine is bullshit. I myself don't like it. Really, maybe I just need t be stoic, follow the flow of nature, and don;t defy it. I need food, love and shelter, and sense of belonging. maybe that all. Maybe I really need to properly plan my next goal. I really need to tell her that maybe, ca we just start? like start without any reason? I need not other people's thoughts or opinion. All I need is together, with someone that I feel comfortable with. Thats all. Damn it.
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