Something is missing

Each and everyday, It feels like I have something that is missing. The feeling of missing something is so deep that I will keep on finding ways to fulfill it, sometimes with unreasonable way. Ya, I notice that a lot of people might found it so stupid, and somemore will bring more harm than benefit. Now, after done the activities, still, the feeling of emptiness still there. Why? What makes me feel so empty? Is that something that I need to accomplish but yet I didn't? Or I had continuously flooded myself with loads of work that I can't really notice my own existence already?

Nihilism, I can kind of feeling that way now. Last time, during my school time, all of my entire life had been prefixed on accomplish the homework, understanding mind-blowing stuff, solving problem on papers, assignments etc. Things would have been more easier right now, is it? Last time, I can good confidence in my locus of control in every stuff, and all of my achievement brings me fruitful joys (actually not all). Maybe, with that locus of control, I become so disciplined, and motivated to accomplish stuff even though no one ask me to do so. and the more I accomplish, the more satisfied it did. All achievement was done alone, most of the time and I satisfied with it, cause the outcome is similar with my expectation. Now becoming an adult, everything changed. No more energetic life, motivated thought, fruitful joys. All replaced with other peoples expectation, group work that need other people though and cooperation. All of this cause me loose control of myself and ya, maybe is that, suddenly I feel so empty inside. Nihilism, that feeling of emptiness, maybe is a signal for me to move on on something.

What is that? Where should be my next step? Will I end up accomplish nothing? Will I able to accomplish anything? This attitude of mine is bullshit. I myself don't like it. Really, maybe I just need t be stoic, follow the flow of nature, and don;t defy it. I need food, love and shelter, and sense of belonging. maybe that all. Maybe I really need to properly plan my next goal. I really need to tell her that maybe, ca we just start? like start without any reason? I need not other people's thoughts or opinion. All I need is together, with someone that I feel comfortable with. Thats all. Damn it. 

My problem with understanding the opposite

Initially, what I was interested to learn about is about democracy. Ended up I learn something additional which incidentally very useful to me, especially when doing my job here. In the carrier that I pursuing right now expose my vulnerable "me" to the outside world, which I can say a messy world that operate in orderly structured system. It is either I become a victim of the society or I have capability to impose control over it. I always keep on struggling to find the answer why I can't cope myself into the corporation as others did, and I all I get is self-destructive replies which like "don't try change things that is out of your locus of control!, look into stoicsm and keep on living!". It really true that Stoicsm, had reveal some of the painful truth to me, and all I need is to digest all of the information and have different perspective in life. Ya, I'm very lucky that I'm being born in a loving ordinary family, where need not face any hardships as others did. Stories reminded me that I much fortune that I have right now and I have no reason to complaint. Still, I feel something is not done, something within me remain incomplete here. What is that? 

The more I learn about theory in philosophy, the more my thought become so messy. I learn about existentialism, nihilism, and freedom. Maybe all I can't see in the theory dept like what philosophers did, which makes me doubt more. People can always challenge my thought, which I fear the most. Maybe people did not challenge my thought, it is me myself that did so. I don't like the feeling of uncertainty, no matter whether it is related to my working life or my personal life. Uncertainty kills my confidence, stopping my progress. At the same time, uncertainty keeps my curiosity going. Haiz. Damn it. 

Maybe it is more rational to leave everything vague behind and treat all I have learned as an entertainment. Ya, why give a fuck on those meaning of life at first place as you are not one who choose to born into this place?(my mother will definitely feel very sad if she heard that.) No matter what the world trying to tell me about what I'm going do with my life, I should just let it be. Somehow I saw a quote from my colleague:" Have faith and go with the flow". Go with the flow, and don't question too much.